Greed made me do it

I was never so sure about anything in my life before. When I chose my major in University, when I was marrying Bandi, when I packed my life in a bag and move to Singapore, when Bandi and I decided to have a child. There’s always a sliver of doubt lingering in my subconscious, for all of these important life-altering decisions.

Until I decided to have my second child. It was like a cool breeze that finally came after a long too-hot sunny day.

Believe it or not, it came out of greed.

All of the important decision I’ve made before had always been informed, logical, thought-of decision. It was never out of the blue.

Until I fell in love with my first child. I couldn’t believe how much joy and love he had brought into this world, and into my life. He made my heart swell the way I never thought possible. And then I saw him grow, from a tiny baby who couldn’t do shit, to this wonderful, thoughtful little man who told me he loved my pretty face, who buttoned his shirt and beaming with pride saying, “I did it, Mommy!”

I saw him grow, and I didn’t know feeling like that was possible, the bittersweet feeling of wanting to freeze in the moment and watching him fly off the nest. I didn’t know you can love and let go at the same time.

There’s a beauty in parenthood of loving and letting go at the same time; knowing that your child will leave you one day, but yet, you never stop falling in love deeper because you know they need your love to grow and finally fly. Something I learned to understand once I became a parent. Something only now I understand about the love my Dad had for me.

So… I got greedy. I got addicted to the Oxytocin.

And so… I wanted another one.

I imagine having two mountains of joy, imagine having double the hugs, the warm snuggles and nose kisses. Imagine seeing two persons growing up before my eyes.

I only wanted one child, to experience parenthood. Oh and I got greedy with this experience. And so we amended our one-kid policy.

Yes, I know I romanticized parenthood. Reality is so much different, of course. The sleep deprivation, the never-ending back-ache, dealing with tantrum, learning to regulate their emotion AND YOUR emotion, and of course the guilt that seems to eat up all of us, no matter how hard we try to be a good parent.

I’m aware I will double those things too.

So this post is a reminder to my future self… in the times of darkness, when you feel the lowest, I hope you remember why you decided to do it. Because you know, that at the end, it’s the love that matters. It’s the overwhelming love that made you do it. Because you know deep down, you know, hands down, it’s worth it.

I’m so excited to meet my little girl, and so ready to fall in love deeper with her everyday. Anytime now, sweetie, Mommy can’t wait to finally hold you in my arms.

Cheers, May