#30daysblogging Epiphany

Day 19

Post is an idea from Erry.

From someone as ngocol as Erry, it was kinda surprising when she gave me a serious topic to post about. She told me that she had a turning point in her life when her Mom passed away and not long after that she conceived Fathir. I don’t know if her turning point changed her life so much, and I don’t know if it was also called Epiphany, but I guess I will talk about my Epiphany now.

I don’t know what is turning point… so maybe I haven’t had any. I know something about Epiphany. Based on dictionary, Epiphany means a moment of sudden and great revelation or realization. So it’s like an eye opener, a moment that makes you realize something that has been clouded all of this time.

This happens last year on February. Bandi missed a flight back home to Singapore, so I had to flight home alone. I’ve already written the story here, so I will not repeat again, but I will tell you why this Epiphany changed my life.

Before that day, I was this girl who never wanted marriage. I did turn down Bandi’s first proposal attempt to marry me and I was so close to let him go (not because I didn’t love him, but because I wanted to set him free.)

I tried so hard to open my heart and love fearlessly, but somehow I just couldn’t. Bandi was frustrated with me. He felt that he already tried everything to assure me that his love is true and that we were made for each other but somehow… somehow… I just couldn’t open my heart. I could say that… I loved Bandi with insurance. I did love him, I wanted a privilege to be his girlfriend, but I still wanted a ticket to go out from the relationship whenever I wanted. I needed an insurance. So whenever I felt like leaving him, I could.

(I know I know, what a bitch, right?)

You guys would probably think I’m a bad person. I could accept that. I was.

But that night, I changed.

I had the epiphany. I was so close to let him go and with all the missing-the-flight things and all the signs from the universe (FYI I believe in signs) I really really thought that I had to let him go.

And then there he was… knocking the door at midnight. He came home. And he brought back all of his legal documents that I’d left at the airport and he also brought my luggage that was left at Soe-tha airport. He was like trying to assure me that he was a superhero. Everything he did was like saying there you go, universe. I made it. Nothing can make me stop coming home to her. Nothing.

It seems silly, I know. But it’s something that’s hard to explain. It’s something that’s really really personal actually and here I am sharing with you.

That moment might not instantly make me want to marry Bandi, but it was the moment I started to think about what I really want in my life.

And him was the only one appeared everything I thought about it. It was kinda scary because I have never put anyone in my life as my priority before and suddenly I realized I have invested so much feeling on somebody it was overwhelming and scary and new for me. And deciding to carry on was the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire life.

Dreams changed and he was my new dream. And I didn’t mind.

Cheers,

May, feeling content.