Preparing to be Mr and Mrs Cahaya


Ten months to our wedding day… Beside picking the perfect flowers, the perfect gown and the perfect entrée, there is one thing I consider to be the most important thing for preparing myself to be Mrs. Cahaya, that is: having the talk.

The talk, when we discuss about how our finances would be planned, how we’re gonna raise our kids, how important sexual relationship would take part, where are we gonna be retired, who is gonna take care of our parents, and so on and so on.

I read this blog about a week ago and I have waited for a perfect time to ask Bandi to do the 100 questions. He had been busy with work lately so I asked him to spend the whole Saturday with me. He thought that we would only talk about the London itinerary which was half true but I had an ulterior motive too.

Actually I told him about the book on Saturday morning and that I had the extracted 100 questions that I wanted to discuss with him, but he went suddenly defensive and said something like “Why are you still questioning me? I thought we’re passed that.”

I told him not to judge before he even read the questions. This book was supposed to help us to prepare for marriage. He insisted that he was ready and he didn’t need any shrink to tell him about marriage. I kept arguing with him that I believe in human brain and logic for preparing the marriage. I know heart is number one to follow when you wanted to marry someone, whether you love him or not, but brain is what keeps you IN THE MARRIAGE.

In the end, I decided to not argue more and just dropped it.

We went to Starbucks for another brainstorming session of our Europe Trip. After we finished our UK itinerary, he apologized for being such an ass earlier, I said I’m not in the mood anymore for discussing the book’s question, but then Bandi bought us a Les Miserablés tickets for our London trip so yeah, I was suddenly in the good mood. LOL.

We moved to a restaurant and ate and started the first question. It was quite fun, and then we continued to the next question and the next question and the next question and Bandi admitted it, this is fun.

Here’s the 100 questions from the book, if you want to download it and do it with your fiance/fiancée.

Now, let me sum up the best long talk I had with Bandi last weekend. (We actually paused the questions because there wasn’t enough time on Saturday and we continued on Sunday) We spent about total of 10 hours discussing the questions, moved from Dim Sum Restaurant to Ramen place to Fruit Tart. So yeah, it was one sweet (and fattening) weekend.

First of all, it hit me that there were things that I didn’t expect Bandi would say and it calmed me down that there were things that Bandi knew about me so well that he could speak my words. It was like a fun rollercoaster ride.

We argued a lot in a part of how we are gonna be raising our kid(s). He kept saying like “If he skipped school..” or “I will ask him to…” and then I snapped, “Why do you keep using male pronouns?”

“Because I want a son!”

“That is so not fair! So if we had a daughter, you would so gonna resent her?”

“Of course I won’t….” silence, “BUT, I would love a son.”

“SEE? You want a son because you want to play football with him. You thought girls can’t play football!” And then there was a never-ending argument about a child that wasn’t even born yet.

And there was this question:

“Have there been times when you were uncomfortable with the way I behaved with the opposite sex? If so, when and what did I do?”

We both said “No.” And I love that. =)

Bandi and I never had any issue for going out with opposite sex. I have a lot of guy friends and he has a lot of female friends and we love how we are totally comfortable with each other’s friends.

And there was this question:

“How are we different? Could this be a source of future conflict? Do our differences complement each other?”

We took so long to discuss this one because sometimes our differences are the source of conflict while the other times, they complement each other. So this is tricky, however I suggest not to stop the discussion and jump to the next question if we were not fully satisfied with the outcome. In terms of characters, we complement each other. When we travel, Bandi is good with maps, I’m not. Bandi can’t plan, I can. Bandi is messy, I am organized. Bandi is physically strong, I am not really. I always think that we are perfect as travel buddy. When we cook, Bandi is usually the executor, he was the one who cooked while I prepped. When he finished with knife, I would at once washed it. It’s just automatic in everything we do like we’re in a team.

However we are different in our logic. There were so many times when our logical differences caused a big argument and often a fight. Come to think of it now, I can’t even name one… I have this tendency to forget what we were fighting about. So I guess, no matter how different we are, we would always find ways to compromise and meet in the middle.

And there were more questions:

“Would you prefer to live in the city, the country, or by the beach? Why?”

Before I answered it, Bandi spoke for me, “you would prefer city. You’re a city girl.” and then he grinned. He’s right. “So we settle for that now.”

“If we are unable to have children, should we adopt?”

Both answered without hesitation, “YES.”

“How would you react if our son or daughter told us they were gay?”

We actually talked about this before and we both tried to accept it for the sake of our kid.

“What are your views on pornography?”

Bandi answered easily, “I love it.” LOL.

I was okay with that anyway.

There were a lot of questions related to how our parents treated each other. Sadly in this part, we both didn’t have a lot of things to learn from but it was nice for us to figure it out ourselves. Like how are we gonna ground our children, what justifies our kid to be grounded and how much freedom we would give our children, etc. It’s good to know that Bandi and I are prepared for this, even though we don’t have that much references.

We talked a lot in this area, especially when this question came: “How did your family resolve conflicts when you were growing up? Do you approve or disapprove of that method? what will you change or not change to resolve conflicts in your future family?”

We disapproved most of the method that both our families used to resolve the conflict and we were thinking what was the better way to do it and discussed the sample case.

And then there was this question:

“Is there anything about marriage that frightens you?”

Bandi said “No.” And I answered, “The concept that I must live together with only one person for the rest of my life.”

He asked again, “That frightens you? And don’t you think that’s a problem?”

“Here’s the thing. I also always feel that I can never get enough of you. I always want to be close to you. Never once in my life I want to be somewhere else but to be here with you. So the concept of living together with ONLY WITH you for the rest of my life really excites me. That’s a paradox, right?”

This morning, a close friend texted me, “Now that you’re getting married, are you ready?”

I answered, “100% ready. Can’t wait to be Mrs. Cahaya.” And then we talked about how this is so funny. Two years ago, with the same guy, the same condition, I said I’m not ready. Then why am I ready now?

Then the paradox concept becomes clearer. Let’s say there is an apple, half rotten, half juicy, sweet and ripe. Two years ago, I saw the apple from the north side, where I could only see the rotten part, and then I was moving slowly towards the south side so I was leaving the rotten part and started to see the juicy part. Now, I’m fully standing in the south and looking at the juice, sweet apple. The apple never changes a bit. The apple is a marriage.

There are always bad and good things about marriage. Two years ago, I preferred to only see the bad side, thus the concept of living with only one person frightens me. Now, I prefer to see the good side, so I think not only the concept is frightening, it is also exciting.

The concept of marriage itself never changes. I change my point of view.

The apple itself never moved. I moved my position.

Enough with that, let’s move to the other question, this one’s a funny one:

“What is nagging? Do I nag? How does it make you feel?”

I answered first, “Nope, you almost never nag.” And then Bandi showed his smug face “You nag almost all the time. Here’s an example. Bandi I’m hungry, come home fast.

“Then just tell me you couldn’t come home fast.”

“Then you would say… It’s okay then, I would just starve… with your dramatic voice,”

And after I laughed so hard, I told him, “Seriously, next time you could just say no and go hang out with your friends.”

“I don’t want to do that because I promised long time ago that you’re my top priority.”

Awwwwwwww!!!!

And then, here’s the last part of the summary:

“What health problems do you have?”

Bandi asnwered, “I have a heart problem.”

And I was shocked.

“My heart is full of you, that’s the problem.”

HAHAHAHAHA! Nice move, Bandi! But you’re still paying the Ramen! XD

After we finished the 100 questions, now Bandi wants it more so I placed an order for the book in bookdepository.

I can’t wait for the book to arrive!!! I will post again when the book arrives, okay?!

For all the bride and groom to be, I may not be able to share tips for choosing wedding venue or wedding favors and stuff but I hope this question would do you good. This is one of the best preparation for your marriage. Don’t skip this part. Enjoy that deep conversation with the love of your life! ;)

Cheers,

May, the happy fiancée.

27 thoughts on “Preparing to be Mr and Mrs Cahaya

  1. I love this! I love how systematic and practical these questions are. This is a definite must-do for engaged couples our there. Or even married ones! Maybe I should book a day with my husband just to do this! Haha.

  2. baru tau ada buku begini. bagus juga ya ada pertanyaan2nya gitu untuk didiskusiin bareng. jadi semuanya langsung terbuka dan transparan di depan ya… good idea itu…

  3. I think discussing together how to raise children that even haven’t been conceived is sweet, charming and, eh, naive. Centuries ago we did the same. Reality turned out differently. I guess in a way children raise their parents :).

    O, do “mr and mrs Cahaya” imply marriage means the you have no choice but to take the name of Bandi’s family-name? My wife tells me occasionally she would have loved to keep her own family-name, if only it had only been possible in ’65. ( It is now by the way)

    • Hi Colson.
      I would love to take bandi’s name! Because I don’t have one. You see as Chinese Indonesian I was raised as a second class child. My cousin who is a girl, also doesn’t have surname. When we asked our parents why, they simply said, “girls don’t need surname because you all will get married and follow your husband” (read: to be submissive to a husband.)
      When I turned to be an adult i told my parents that maybe I would never get married and maybe I decided to have kid on my own and maybe my kid won’t even have surname as well.
      That’s sad right?
      I have all the motivation to be a single feminist for all my life, sir, if you know how i was raised.
      Thankfully I met a man who is not only wonderful but made marriage life seems to be equally enjoyed by both sexes. :)

  4. yaayy it’s always fun to have a long and deep conversation like this.. though it’s kinda scary at the beginning, to figure out the future, but for me i find this somewhat fun and addicting hehehe.
    good job may and bandi! personally i think this part is one of the most important part before the wedding, and you two have succeeded! hehe.
    nanti kalo ikut bina pranikah, bakal ada pertanyaan2 kaya gini, atau diarahkan untuk diskusi tentang pertanyaan kaya gini, supaya lebih saling mengenal. so i guess you’re already one step ahead :p
    gw mau ah save list nya, kayanya masih banyak yg bisa gw omongin jg sm utin hihihi.

    • Gue ret ret bimbingan pranikah nya nanti tgl 14 feb 2014, keburu udah bayar Dp ini itu kannnn. Jadi skrg aja dl diskusiin beginian, kali2 ada dealbreaker so the wedding is off without losing any money. Hahahah *knock on wood*

  5. Pingback: Preparing to be Mr and Mrs Cahaya

  6. gua juga pernah diskusi kayak gini, tapi pertanyaan murni dari gua sendiri hahahaha… dan ini gua lakukan jauh jauh hari sebelum kita ngomong ke org tua kalo kita mo married… biar hati bener2 mantep hehehehe…

    • Owyah? Bagus donggg :)
      Gue juga sering main what if ttg marriage and kids tapi list of questions ini sungguh comprehensive dan logis banget mel. Mungkin lo mau coba, siapa tau ada yg belum pernah di-discuss.
      Nanti abis gue baca bukunya gue bakal cerita2 lagi. ;)

  7. Inspiring post May. How noble of you two untuk adopsi anak should you not be able to get children of your own. Oh, I didn’t see an item about you keep working, I bet this isn’t even a question, right? 😀

    • Of course I keel working. Duh. But I’m still wondering should I be a full time mom once I had a kid… That’s a big dilemma. Maybe I’ll find a freelance job or come back to work once my kid goes to primary school. I still really haven’t thought about it. :)
      But one thing for sure, i will make the best decision for my imaginary future kids. :p

  8. Bagus juga ya… walaupun dulu ga pake begituan, tapi secara garis besar sih aku ama Ridson pernah diskusi… bahkan sampai sekarang pun tetap diskusi, karena hidup tidak bisa ditebak maka kesepakatan yang dulu-dulu juga bisa berubah. :D

    • Yep, that’s true. :)
      People changes.
      Gue juga percaya kalo semua keputusan bisa berubah. Si writer blog yg gue baca juga blg you will be surprised how your answers will change drastically when you’re actuallu married with kids.
      However seenggaknya kita bisa makin ngerti pola pikir pasangan kita, ya. ;)

      • Iya bener… setidaknya secara garis besar kita udah tau kira-kira bagaimana pasangan kita. Dan seperti kata mamaku, kalau hal-hal kecil saja tidak bisa kita sepakati bagaimana dengan hal-hal besar nantinya? :)

  9. Yg kayak gini kemaren sebelon kawin malah matt sama bapaknya hihi, aku cuek aja. Yg penting waktu itu aku nanya soal financial secara berenti kerja dan anak, karena aku abis OP indung telur. Yg laennya matt yg mikir dan maksa ngajak ngobrol, cuman gak selengkap di buku kali ya May. Bagus bgt kamu sama Bandi punya convo ini hehe, biar gak ada yg ditup2in lagi.

    • Iya. Dan seru! Sbnrnya mostly pasti pernah dibicarakan lah cuma kali ini lebih dalem dan comprehensive aja. Si author nya jago banget deh. Ada bbrp pertanyaan yg pilihannya multiple choice jadi bisa membuka mata kita ke fakta2 yg kita ga taw.
      Dan aku sbnrnya udah keabisan bahan pembicaraan sama bandi jadinya bisa mgobrol panjang lebar lg. sukaaa :)

  10. Waaaakkkss gw ga ada nih tanya jawab begindang! hihihi. Kayaknya pertanyaan2x semacam ini udah terlontar sebelum kita nikah jauh jauh hari secara kita lama juga pacarannya. Pas deket2x hari pasca tunangan mah yg ada cuma stress masalah duit..hahaha! Jawaban si bandi ttg pornografi bikin gw ngakak May lol..and yep, klo kita ga bs punya anak kita pun bakal adopsi anak :) we love kids. This is such a nice prep for a couple who are getting married. Ga cuma prep wedding party aja tapi mental juga disiapin ya.

  11. mei. it might be useful if you guys do MBTI test and check your personality traits. I find it very helpful, maybe useful for going-to-be-married people as well ;)

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