A letter to the pessimists


I got some of the pessimistic comments for my engagement, mostly they sound like this “eh, I thought you didn’t believe in marriage?”

Well I didn’t.

I know I shouldn’t been bothered but I am a human thus I have a need to defend myself (and also the need to once again blabber about marriage), so here it goes…

Up until this second, I still do believe that marriage is not an achievement. A wedding is a start of something big called the marriage. And it’s not a solution for all your problems people. There are two reasons why I didn’t believe in marriage.

One, people took marriage for granted, using it for the wrong reason with the wrong people. The marriage itself became some kind of dirty business for me.

Two, there are no successful marriage in my inner circle. I have never witnessed a successful marriage. That’s why I was pessimistic too.

I hate it when people decided to get married for the wrong reasons, to top of them is “because I’m getting older.” Once my friend told me she was getting married and my reply was “are you sure?” She was mad of course, and to boost my ego, let me tell you this: she DID call off the wedding. Why? Because I knew it at the moment that she said yes because she wanted the attention and she liked to idea of becoming someone’s wife but she WASN’T in love.

Okay, go back to my case. A lot of my friends said “finally!!!” And the others asked “how did you finally say yes?” (This also explained why I had to charge my phone three times on last sunday)

Why did I, the unbeliever, finally said yes for a marriage?

I was simply convinced.

(So if you happen to really want to marry somebody and she said she didn’t believe in it, you’re not trying hard enough.)

I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I was dating Bandi. It was just a casual flirt and I enjoyed the attention, so when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I warned him, “oh dear, I’m not a commitment kind of girl.” And he said “it’s okay. It’s not something serious. We’re just getting to know each other as boyfriend and girlfriend.” So the ‘not something serious’ led to a seven years relationship. LOL

I also thought that I will be a serial dater for the rest of my life, because seriously, I am that selfish. I don’t think anyone could take it to live with me for the rest of his life. Come on, I can’t even live with my mom! I am super selfish and I have OCD, I want things to be my way and I always think that I am right. I knew Bandi was messy and couldn’t care less about hygiene since the first year of relationship but then I don’t care because I knew I won’t marry him.

But then when we started to live together, we spent so much time fighting about stupid stuffs. And oh my god I am so impressed of how hard he was trying to adapt to me. He really tried everything to make sure I’m alright, mentally. (Yeah I got so disturbed over something stupid sometimes.) He did this kind of magic to make me fall in love more and more to him everyday and made me think that I couldn’t live without him. And oh wow, he succeeded!

Bandi himself didn’t have any role-model for a successful marriage. His dad was gone when he was five so he was pretty much a ‘dad’ for his brother and sisters. Thankfully he turned out to be a believer. He wants a marriage, a family with a lot of kids, (Super bummer, look how far he’s convinced me already?) and a smart and pretty wife (well ho got one.) LOL

Actually he has taken the relationship slowly for my expense. I remember he was ambitiously saying that he wanted to be married and had kids by 25. (Haha! Wrong girlfriend, dude!) I must say that this relationship does both of us a favor. For me to learn that I can finally trust someone completely and that true love does exist. For him to wait for the right one (and not just randomly pick any girl to give birth to his babies), learn more about life and of course to be super mega ultra patience.

I really believe that everything happens for reason. :)

So dear pessimists,
I DID not believe in marriage. And I must say this in public that I WAS WRONG.
Not all marriages are scam and dirty and fake. I can make sure at least mine is not. :)

I remember the endless nights of long talks with Bandi, the sweet gestures while we danced, the stolen kisses, the sacrifices, the tears and fears we shared, the infinite laughs that he made me after that and how he always had his ways to take my breath away. I have been always a happy person, but I’ve never felt this content. I am fully content.

I also need to underline this: I am happy not because I’m getting married. I am happy because I get to spend the rest of my life with the one I really love. The wedding is just a bonus.

Actually my perception of marriage doesn’t change a lot, remember this: if you’re not a happy person, don’t ever think about getting married!!!

Don’t hope for some dude to save you from all your troubles and think that marriage (or wedding) would give you happiness, because it won’t!!!

YOU HAVE TO BE A HAPPY WOMAN TO HAVE A HAPPY MARRIAGE. (not the other way around!)

Don’t get married to be happy, but get married because you’re happy. So you know you have someone to share your happiness with forever. :)

Remember your man is not your accessory whom with him you feel socially completed and obligation checked. You don’t need to prove to anyone that you can have a man.

Oh please just make sure that you get married because you love each other, please please, pleaaaaaseee!

57040

Cheers,

May, still staring at the ring. :p

23 thoughts on “A letter to the pessimists

  1. Gw hampir yakin ya…temen2 lo yang tanya “how did you finally say yes?” umumnya juga nggak percaya sama pernikahan, makanya mereka pengen tau gimana akhirnya lo yakin, supaya mereka juga bisa tau kapan mereka yakin suatu hari nanti *sotoy*

    Dan bagus banget lo nulis ini! gw yakin banyak yang terinspirasi dan (moga-moga) dibukakan pikirannya.

    Gw setuju banget tuh “Don’t get married to be happy, but get married because you’re happy. So you know you have someone to share your happiness with forever. :)”

    Itu prinsip gw juga! Tapi lo merangkai katanya dengan lebih bagus hahahahaha

  2. Ahhh.. Benerr bangett ini May!!.. Benerrr bangett.. Gue juga bukan hadir dr keluarga yg benar2 utuh, makanya dulu mikir banget buat nikah. :D Tapi itu dia, alesannya cuman gue pengen hidup bareng sama orang yg gue cinta :D Pinjem quote nya dong buat dishare di socmed lain :D yak yak yakk..

  3. mayyy.. gw tadi uda nulis komen masuk ga? uda nulis panjang2 trus error huhuhuhuhu.

    ehm, anyway.. gw terharu baca tulisan lo deh.. gatau kenapa gw terharu, gw juga bingung, tapi rasanya jadi mellow2 hepi gitu baca tulisan lo tentang marriage ini hahaha. gw setuju tuh sama yang lo bilang terakhir, itu juga yang gw diajarin pas bina pranikah, ‘ dont marry someone because you want to be happy or completed, you have to be happy and fulfilled first then you can share the happiness’ kalo 2 orang yang ga happy dan sama-sama pengen happy merit, yang ada mereka akan saling menuntut dan ended up 2-2 nya ga hepi. makanya 2-2nya harus hepi dulu sehingga hepi nya bisa double hehehe.

    trus trus gw tambah terharu lagi baca kalimat terakhir lo “still staring at the ring”..gw jadi inget rasa hepinya pas baru awal2 tunangan sama baru2 merit hahaha. gw juga gitu soalnya, tiap kali liat cincin ada rasa bergetar2 gimana gitu wkwkwkwkwkwkwk.

    • Kaga masuk De. hahaha.
      Emang wordpress nih baru di-apdet makanya rese.
      Aduhh kamu dea, emang yah packaging kamu tuh gampang terharu. :3
      Heeh nih gue mah nulis cuma modal sotoy aja De. Hahaha. Gue baru mau daftar buat pembinaan pranikah di gereja Bandi. =) Wish bith of us luck yaaaa. ;)
      May, yang masiiiiih staring at the ring. =D

      • iyaa packaging gw emang dari sononya gampang terharu, gampang sedih dan gampang juga seneng hahaha.
        of course may, wish all the best for you and bandi! jangan lupa cerita2 lagi kalo uda bina pranikah hehehe

  4. May, on the other hand, nenek kakek gue nikah karena dijodohin, dan mereka belajar mencintai satu sama lain di dalam pernikahan itu sendiri. Karena menikah itu kan membangun dan memelihara cinta yah. Surprisingly, orang jaman dulu bisa membangun cinta di dalam pernikahan! Thanks God mereka bahagia sampe kakek nenek walaupun tentunya ada kerikil2 (mana ada sih yg super mulus?). Dan syukur juga mereka bertahan through so many years of marriage yang dijodohin itu, or else gue gak akan ada di dunia ini hehe.

    Sayangnya, banyak temen2 gue yang kecele karena saking mencintainya dan memutuskan menikah, sampe lupa hal-hal lain yang juga crucial di dalam membangun rumah tangga especially komitmen.

    • Iya yah Le, somehow ‘orang jaman dulu’ itu lebih innocent, lebih jujur, lebih penyayang. Otaknya belum setumplek luwek orang2 sekarang yang menyerap informasi parah banget… =(
      Semoga marriage gue bisa langgeng kayak kakek nenek lo! =D

  5. yah orang pesimis pasti ada dimana2 ya… yang skeptis juga… :D

    yang penting tips nya untuk menjalani pernikahan (sok banget gua ya pake ngasih tips huahaha) itu saling-saling. saling menghargai, saling mencintai, saling menghormati, saling menerima, saling toleransi. pokoknya semua harus ‘saling’. :)

  6. Gw sih cuma mau komenin gambar kelinci sama beruang di akhir postingan. Top banget lah tu gambar!! Dan gw bisa menempatkan elo sebagai sang kelinci banget may!! hahahaah^^

  7. I am happy not because I’m getting married. I am happy because I get to spend the rest of my life with the one I really love —-> gua setuju banget banget banget! hahahaha… itu sebabnya, biarpun wedding yang lagi gua siapin skrg jauh dari wedding impian gua, gua ga complain banyak2… at least, I can spend the rest of my life with him…

    waktu bina pranikah kemaren, para senior2 itu membeberkan kenyataan kalo pernikahan itu ga selalu bikin kita bahagia… banyak hal yg ga enak, masalah anak, mertua, keuangan (apalagi ini yg paling sensitif), tempat tinggal, dll… yg penting, sebelum menikah, fondasi pasangan uda kuat dulu… untungnya kalo di gereja gua, ada pembinaan kayak gini sebelum married, jadi kita punya gambaran sekaligus modal ketika married nanti…

    anyway, nice post may… :)

    • Hahaha mel, gue baru ngerasain tuh skrg, pdhal plan my wedding juga baru kayak 2 minggu-an tapi camer udah langsung nyamperin kesini kmrn dan emang yah ternyata ribet hahahah. X(

  8. Except for not knowing what the definition of a ‘successful marriage’ is , not even after reading your essay, I absolute second your opinion that marriage itself doesn’t work miracles at all. Actually it’s absurd assumption. Marriage is rather a burden than an asset to a steady relationship.; a vow to totally and absolutely stick together, to love and be true to each other forever, to support each other ‘until death do us part’, is an incredible yoke every now and then and next to impossible to fulfil. For humans I mean :).

    So you’re right. The necessary pre-condition is that bride and groom really, really know each other ( which takes some discovery time) and really really love each other ( which usually also takes some time to be sure).

  9. May, still staring at the ring. :p

    ahahahahaha happened to me too :D.. tiap liat cincin senyum-senyum sendiri rasanya adakali tuh 2 minggu pertama ibarat ditabok orang juga tetep bakal cengengesan saya hihihihi

    despite the fact saya ga ngerasain living together sama tonce sblum merid, tapi kurang lebih pernah melalui hal yang mirip living together. Tonce pernah ngerintis usaha sampingan, jadi tiap hari sepulang kerja, me ngojek ke kios bantuin tonce jaga sampe malem, hampir tiap hari pulang nyampe rumah jam 12 malem. Sabtu malah seharian dari pagi sampe malem di kios ber dua, kadang bertiga, kadang sendirian ahaha, minggu setengah hari. Cuma bedanya tidur dirumah masing-masing.

    Jujur ya may, kita tuh selama pacaran jaraaaang banget berantem. Pas ngerintis usaha itu malah sering banget ribut. ( eeem gw sih yang marah2, tonce si ttp kalem ). Ada 1 masa dimana gw ngerasa udah cape kerja, ini kios ada problem, kok tonce reaksinya begini, ini karyawan kerja begini, eh kok ini keuangan minus, bla bla bla aaaak ngamuk lah saya, sebel sendiri. Tapi dari masa itu jadi belajar banyak banget, tonce jadi tau ohh calon istrinya ternyata ga bisa nih kalo A,B,C,D bisa ngamuk. Jadi learn each other, kalo kejadian A oh berarti harus merespon istri dengan B. Kalo C terjadi oh berarti harus merespon tonce dengan D. Those challenging time justru semakin menguatkan :)

    eh mungkin juga itu sebabnya dia ga kasih me kerja kantoran ya sekarang hahaha istrinya kalo lagi stress kerjaan bertanduk soalnya :p

    eniwei.. happy for you may :)

    • Hahaha paragraf pertama lo bikin gue ngakak, gue pikir cuma gue doang yg kayak kesihir gitu, eh tapi beneran yah kayaknya kalo ditabok juga ga sadar deh. :p
      Itu bener me, adapt to someone apalagi laki itu susah banget, secara cewek dan cowok tuh cara berpikirnya aja udah beda banget, belom perbedaan yang lain2 kayak karakter dan cara2 melakukan hal tertentu. Lumayan ribet lah ya. Tapi yah benerrr kan kalo udah cinta pasti bisa compromise :)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s