When a man loves a woman


Actually I have been wanting to post this since two weeks ago but I just seemed never in the perfect mood.

Well now I am. I am in the perfect mood to be a feminist who defends a man!

As much as I wanted ladies to read this and understand this, I also wanted men to comment their thoughts about it. So here we go…

With growing number of jerks in this world, it’s very hard to find a real man who really is a gentleman. And when we finally meet a nice gentleman, what do we do? We dump him!

Yeah, Girls tend to dump nice man!!!! (I know, I know, not all girls, I actually meant this statement to one girl only)

*sigh* I don’t know how to start this post.

Why? WHY??? Why we dump nice men and go after jerks? I have a lot of friends who are in a relationship with man who doesn’t treat them right and yet they stay. And when you’ve found a man who’s actually nice to you, you’re questioning them. “Why is he so nice? Does he want something from me?”

We, women, think that men are heartless, cruel, insincere and selfish so when they’re acting like one, we’re okay with that because we think it’s normal. And when they’re doing something sincerely nice, we question them!

In this post, I just want to emphasize one more time that NICE GUYS DO EXIST.

Let’s just get to the point why I make this post in the first place. I have a bestfriend who had a nine years relationship and ended up in a trash (I wrote a letter once to the girl here). A year later, he still hasn’t moved on, so he flew to Singapore and crashed at my place, drinking the pain away. (Literally)

I don’t have many male friends who talk about love. I think he’s the only one who really talks about love so deep with me. I never thought men can talk about love that serious.

I always talk about love with my female friends, using the reason that “Men don’t understand our feelings!”

And guess what? Men think the same too!! That is why I was being ditched out during those 3 nights for sharing the drinks and the love talks. He and Bandi talked alllll night WITHOUT ME! They wasted time and money to buy cans of beers just to talk and talk and talk. (This is one side of Bandi and guys in general I never knew about)

When I asked them about the details, they didn’t want to tell me. I only know they were talking about love and how it hurt.

Really??? Guys could feel hurt?! YES!

(Seriously there was the time when I thought men couldn’t feel pain. There was the time when I was so cynical about love too.)

So, let me tell you something, ladies… (I am not a man, but I hope I could talk on behalf of them)

When a man loves a woman, he is really capable to actually love! (I know we women tend to think they are not capable, but they are!)

When a man loves a woman, the only mission he’s doing everyday is just to make you happy. Seriously, I was laughing on it for 10 seconds hearing this from them but then they looked damn serious. While we, women, always demand the guys to be more romantic, to be more initiative, more blah blah blah, what they wanted all along is… to make us happy.

When a man loves a woman, he thinks about the woman more than we thought he would. He’s probably not as expressive as we are, writing on facebook or post his photos in instagram, but he really does think about his girl, almost all the time.

When a man loves a woman, he puts her in his future dream. This one is for sure.

So when a man has been having this girl in his future dream for 9 freaking years, he’s crushed when she’s suddenly not in his life anymore!

So yeah, men is more difficult to move on than us, women. My friend broke up with his 9 years girlfriend last year. She’s now in a relationship with someone else while my friend is still stuck trying to drink the pain away.

Ladies, don’t hurt men. Don’t think that their hearts are hard as rock. They are as humane as we are. If you don’t intend to marry him, don’t tell him that you love him that much. It works both way right?

If you demand gender equality, to be equally placed with men in work and politic, we should start to see men equally vulnerable with us too.

There are a lot of stories about men hurting women, but not much for the opposite because of the strong exterior of men. They tend to look not to care but they do.

It’s true that we can’t easily trust men based on the growing number of jerks, but don’t let the paranoia slips the right one away.

And YOU! Yes YOU! You got the right one slipped away. How could you just move on from a guy who has been in your life for freaking 9 years???!!!!

(Arrgh, now it sounds just like an angry post. T.T)

I just hope this world is filled with people who’s perfectly happy with the one they’re with. If Kim Jong Un has found the one he’s in love with, maybe none of the silliness happened.

Ah, who am I to know, right? I’m in love but once in a while I still want to send nuclear to some people. Yeah, we’re human afterall. Heartbreaks are inevitable.

Have a good long weekend!

(I know I will since I am picking up Strawberry at the airport! Yippee!)

Cheers,

May, still a feminist.

42 thoughts on “When a man loves a woman

  1. Hii, been reading your posts for sometime and I just feel I have to comment on this post.

    I have a similar experience with your bestfriend, but I’m on the female side. And yes, we do know that men have feelings as well. They can feel brokenhearted, they can feel hurt, and they can cry just as much as us, women.
    But I think, it’s also hard for the ex-girlfriend as well. I mean, 9 years is a freakin long time. I don’t think that the girl was that eager to waste her time that long. If she just want to hurt him, she won’t wait that long to do that, will she?

    Also, though the guy is super-duper nice guy (and yes, I agree.. nice guys do exist) and seems loving and serious with the relationship, they might have some issues that they just can’t work it out together. To have a future together, you must have a mutual understanding, right? I’m not married yet so I don’t know much, but I’ve been going through the similar thing.

    And for the girl to have a new relationship, don’t you think that there might be a chance that she just wants to try to move on from that 9 years relationship (aka. rebound)? Also, cause I don’t know her age, probably after a ruined 9 years relationship, she doesn’t want to waste anymore time?
    It’s not because the love has stopped. She must also had a hard time to let go the perfect nice guy like your bestfriend.

    Who knows, maybe if there is still a connection, they might end up together again ^^
    So, not taking any side here, just want to state another possibility :)

    • Hi Lee,
      Sorry I just checked my spam bin and I didn’t know why your comment went to the spam bin. However, thank you for your comments. I actually know that, but I just don’t understand that probably because I’m his bestfriend and I didn’t want to think that the ex girlfriend feels that way because it would be more painful to me too.
      I just want to be judgmental and take my bestfriend’s side. (I am definitely taking side here) I know I am being unreasonable but that’s what friends do. =)
      I have been bestfriend with him since we were both 12 years old and I don’t care even though it’s him who was wrong, I would still take his side. =)
      Thank you Lee, for giving this post another perception.

  2. yeah.. pria juga manusia kan? hahahaha :D

    sebenernya entah siapa yang mulai bikin stereotype kalo cewek itu gini, cowok itu gitu. cewek gak begini, cowok gak begitu.
    kalo masalah perasaan, mau cowok atau cewek pasti sama2 punya perasaan kok. sama2 bisa jatuh cinta, bisa sakit hati, bisa bahagia, bisa sedih… :)

    and nice guys do exist… salah satunya gua kan ya may? huahahaha :D

  3. May, somehow gw sedih loh bacanya. Sedih buat temen lo itu. Gw emang ga pernah ngerasain putus (thanks God), tapi gw bisa membayangkan kondisi temen lo itu. Gw juga punya beberapa temen cowo baik yang sayang banget sama cewenya (atau gebetannya), tapi diperlakukan ga adil, cewenya malah selingkuh atau diputusin gitu aja. dan mereka emang bener devastated. yang pacaran baru bentar aja bisa devastated, gimana yang udah 9 tahun. sedangkan cewe-cewe yang punya pacar brengsek malah ga bisa lepas (baca : ga mau lepas) dari pacarnya. ironis emang.

    Dan gw juga setuju sama lo, kadang cewe itu entah kenapa lebih suka sama cowo brengsek, kalo baik malah ga suka. Aneh emang ya cewe-cewe itu.

  4. Sama kayak cewek, cowok juga bisa ketemu “not the right one” dan sakit hati. Dan someday dia juga bisa ketemu “the right one”, lalu be happy. As simple as that.

  5. bedanya adalah… pria lebih jarang membicarakan perasaannya (gak semua pria juga loh).
    jadi kenapa????? kenapa masih sering menuntut dan menuntut *siap2 dikeplak nih saya*

  6. Well May, ada cewek (dan cowok juga) yang think highly of themselves, and think that they deserve someone better than who they already have.
    Gw belom baca surat cinta lo sih, baru buka in a new tab and read the title only. Tapi yah, apa yang gw pelajari selama ini sih, mesti denger dari dua sisi sih. I dont think that girl actually dumped him for NO reason. But I do agree with you, nice guys do exist :) Life can still be a fairy tale after all…

    • Well I know the reason… And even though the reason is quite reasonable and human, I still can’t accept it. I believe if you two want to work it out, it could. :(((

  7. When a man loves a woman, the only mission he’s doing everyday is just to make you happy -> ho oh banget but sometimes we, as woman, (nunjuk diri sendiri) demanding banget! I want A, B, C, until Z and we do not realize that we are not bersyukur enough atas yang dilakukan our couple. Berantakan banget ya bahasa Deva hahahaha…
    Kalo menurutku sich, kalo kita cinta mah yuk mari tunjukin cinta kita ke pasangan. Sometimes demanding too much will kill us :P
    *buru-buru nulis rayuan ke Suami* hahaha…

  8. I shed a manly tears when reading this post. As a man, I feel honored that finally, there are a girl (you, YES you) who can out our feelings into words.

    I also have a few experiences where girls dump me or reject me because they said I was too good. At first, I think it was just an excuse that they said to make me feel better, while in reality I think they feel that I’m not good enough, that’s why they get rid of me. But after rejected and dumped by a few girls with the SAME reason, I started to think. Maybe there is a connecting red thread between all this…

    I spent years trying to figure out what’s wrong with me or my way of treating ladies, and finally one female friend helped me find a conclusions : girls think nice guys are boring. Nice guys always try to make you special, make you feel happy, he’s committed to you, putting you as his number one, listen to what you want, willing to compromise, etc etc. It’s good, it’s what all girls want…but not when they are young.

    My female friend said that girls, when they are young, like boys, are not just dating for commitment. They are dating for fun, for excitement, and also for popularity. For them it’s better to have bad boy that have six-pack body and sport car rather than a nice, well-mannered guy, who’s willing to accompany her Mom going shopping. They know of the risk, that maybe this bad boy will break their heart someday, but they try to ignore it while trying to “change” him into a good guy.

    Why trying to change a bad boy into a good man when you can date a good man that already love you from the first place? Why put your own heart at risk and spend that much effort to do something like that? Simply, because it’s exciting.

    In some of my case, few months or some years after, the girls that rejected me in the past will one day suddenly call or text me, and trying to catch up. And then, they will tell me their sad love stories where they are betrayed by the guy that they love, got their heart broken, yada yada yada…and in the end, they will say something like this “I regret letting you go, you are a good person” or “Can you give our love one more chance? I promise I won’t let go, this time…”

    I would really like to say yes, if I could, but the problem is…by the time they realized what I’m really worth for…I’ve already moved on… They grow up and realize that they need a good man in their life, not bad boys with sport car and six-pack body. But meanwhile, boys also grow up to be a man and good man grow up to be an even better man. And maybe at that time, his priority also has already changed.

    I know this theory doesn’t apply to every girls in the world. I also believe that most of girls doesn’t hurt boys on purpose. We are young and we tend to made a lot mistakes, it’s inevitable. It is human’s tendency not to cherish something while it lasts and missing it when it’s gone. I’m just sharing my own personal experiences, and I hope everyone can learn from it.

    Two thumbs up for this wonderful post, May =)

    • What you said is completely true, Kev!!!!
      I, myself, did like bad boys when i was young. It’s just something about “changing a boy to be a better man” that makes a girl feel special, like she has accomplished something.
      But no, no girls could ever change any boy, because boy will eventually change into a man because their self realization, not over some girls. :)

      Thank you for the comments Kev. :)

  9. May, kalo gue melihat, ada perbedaan orang yang sekedar mencari pacar atau mencari suami/ istri/ pasangan hidup. Dan hal itu sama saja kok untuk laki-laki dan perempuan. Laki-laki kalo untuk cari pacar, demen deh tuh pilih2 sama perempuan yang cantik, seksi, dan bisa dimacem-macemin, tapi untuk cari istri, mereka sebenernya balik lagi kok ke pakem dasar bibit bebet bobot. Lu tau kenapa cewe suka khawatir sama laki-laki yang terlalu alim dan baik? Kalo menurut gue sih, itu karena, cewe-cewe itu worry kalo belum pernah tau yang rusak, malah nanti pas udah kawin malah penasaran pengen coba yang rusak-rusak. Hahahahahaa… analisa goblok.

  10. Mayyy………..koq bisa long wiken? Enak bener padahal sendirinya ngangur hihi.

    Waktu masih muda aku jg selaluuuuuuuuuuuu tergila2 dgn bad boy dan ngeliat cow baik2 kayak gimana gitu huhu. Tapi kan katanya perempuan punya instink pengen benerin yg gak bener, biar berasa jadi hero gitu huhu padahal yg didapet cuman pedih doang *curhat*

  11. Dear feminist,

    What’s new? Mark Antony sacrificed his political career and life for the love of Cleopatra. And didn’t Romeo level (lethally) with Julia?

    I’m afraid the problem is there is a difference between men fit for procreation and those fit for husbandry. Men of the first category more or less are congruent with the definition of male chauvinist pigs,. They often tend to be more adventurous, exciting and strong. Dark and dangerous even. Sexually attractive. While the others are the nice ones – caring, protective and dull.

    Sometimes even tough feminists fall for the wrong (?) – but exciting, adventurous- guys. Even Simone de Beauvoir did. Twice! They may rationally strongly prefer decent and empathetic men, but, well, they are sexual entities as well, aren’t they?

    So, you’re right: some girls are bitches, some men are pigs, but at the same time some girls are darlings and some men are sweethearts. Just as the Gaussian distribution predicted. And occasionally we make a wrong pick.

    No, not all of us of course. You didn’t, I didn’t (^_-).

    With kind regards, l. h. & k. from the meek husband of Babes [my wife’s name, not a Babe perse :)]

    Jerry a.k.a. colson

  12. Disaster alert! ” husbandry”. Ouch. Disorder in my brains. Ridiculous. Didn’t mean agriculture, nor cattle breeding. Wanted to say “family man”. “Fit for family man”.

    Good lord, please let me vanish from the surface of the earth…

    • Huwahahahaha! Seriously colson, i didn’t know husbandry means agriculture. In my mind it did mean fit for being husband. Well, thank you for enriching my vocabulary.
      Yes yes I agree that mark anthony did fit your “husbandry” position and it was a proof but romeo is fiction, so no he didn’t count.
      I don’t know about simone (I might read about her after this) but she seemed to be an interesting woman who uncontrollably chose heart (or lust) over logic. Haha
      Thann you for your comprehensive comment sir. Just like I knew you would.
      And you should teach me how to pronounce your wife’s name. ;)

  13. SO true!!! Ntah kenapa banyak yg asumsi cowok ga punya perasaan / ga ngerasain ini itu. Mungkin ada cowok yang ngga terlalu verbal in expressing his love, but even so he’ll show it through his actions. And there are also guys who are very verbal, either saying “I love you” very regularly or saying all kinds of romantic sweet-nothings, writing poems & love letters, etc. We should all stop the gender bias and start to know the individual instead. Hmmm this inspires me to blog… hahahaha….

  14. Pingback: Language of Love | Robby & Lia

  15. The reason women tend to dump nice men is because of women’s nurturing instinct. Jerks are way more exciting and adventurous than nice but plain men. By being with jerks women think they could act motherly, trying to correct the jerks and make them better men. Ah, anything unreachable is ten times more attractive, right? I am by the way aware that men do cry over a broken relationship. At the end of the day men are just human, longing to love and to be loved. Btw, there is hope for you wishing people who are happy with the one they’re with. Despite being a feminist, I have been together with my husband for 21 years (18 years married and 3 years LDR) :-) So there is indeed hope for everyone.

  16. Yes yes, nice guy does exist, malah terkadang kalo terlalu nice jadi disangka hombreng, ooops…jadi beda topic. Tapi traggic banget udah 9 years terus ditinggal begitu aja. Moga2 temen lu cepet recover yah dan realize nice girl (for him) does exist.

  17. “In this post, I just want to emphasize one more time that NICE GUYS DO EXIST”..
    aghh, i really need u to say this to me muahahahahaha

  18. wanted to comment on this but never had the chance.. :( working in a hell is such a time consuming.. and now I have to just comment at 4 am in the office to realise my comment.. pfftt..

    anyway..

    gw cuma mau bilang.. gw sebagai lelaki malah lebih suka ngomongin tentang love ke cewe.. karena gw rasa, dari mereka lah gw seharusnya denger dan setidaknya tau apa yang ada di pikiran mereka. But, gw setuju sebagian besar dari apa yang lu sebut.. banyak laki yang gak bisa ngungkapin atau nunjukin perasaan mereka.. we dont want to seem weak in girls eyes.. nature perhaps?

    Temen lo sih gokil banget… 9 taon ended up in deep shit.. definitely worse than 7 years waiting for someone..

    I suppose the definition of nice guys is unclear.. whether they exist or not is another question, but people have mistakenly mixed up between love and lust.

    and me is so damn tired.. can’t even think anymore.

    • Ahh I am so flattered that you spare your sleeping time just to comment and the comment doesn’t even make a point hahahaha.
      Nah, just kidding.
      I got what you mean at least.
      Get some sleep and try harder tomorrow. Lol

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