I can’t remember when was the last time I walk slowly, when was the last time my hands being held sincerely, when was the last time being sane, and being whole.

I want to dance freely, in the rain, if I could. I wanna feel loved again. I want a cup of ice coffee with just a drop or two of hazelnut syrup and two spoons of milk. That’s a latte. It’d just be easier if I ordered a latte.

I’m heading to the nearest coffee shop now. There are about 7 coffee shops in this one big street but I can’t seem to find it. I’m chasing my comfort and my relaxant from caffeine coz you don’t give them anymore.

I’m broken hearted, more than I have ever been before.

I, myself, broke my heart. Again.

I’ve walked this street for the hundredth times, memories juggling through my mind. You, that scarf of yours that made me warm, myself in your arms and those little sweet pinches on my cheek.

I was a fool of giving my heart away. Of trusting people too much and of a thought that I could actually love someone.

The fact is, I don’t have the capacity to love. I don’t have ability to share my life with someone. or anyone.

Shit! Where is this coffee shop?!

I’ve been going round and checking the directory of this fu**ing building twice but I can’t find it!

I’ve been counting my steps and I hate to stop to check the directory when my step stops at odd numbers. I also hate you.

I also hate the fact that memories of you is more rigid than the picture of you, of us. There are no picture of us.

There’s only this mental picture in my head. keep rolling like a sixty’s movie.

There goes my coffee shop. I can catch my breath now. I can drink my comfort, I can get lost in my fake daydream and I can pretend I’m in love with you again.

May, Orchard road, 14th January 2012

Better times is when you play The Sims on holiday without going out of bed and your man cooks for you.

Bad times is when you need to wake up but you’re still sleepy like hell. Worse is when you have the urge to do number two on the long toilet-less road trip.

Happy times is when you achieve things you never thought you could. Happier is when you achieve thing people doubt you would.

Sad times is when your flesh and blood hurt you. sadder is when you cry yourself to sleep, alone.

Lucky is when it is sunny on the day you go to field trip. Luckier is your flight is delayed when you’re accidentally late.

Throw all those times together and that’s life. One time is not worth without the other. One time completes the meaningfulness of the others.

Life is about all those times. The times we might not always cherish, but will always remember. Time will never go backwards, thus all we can do is cherish what we have NOW. Coz your time is now.

Have an amazing 2012.

Love, May.

I love going to Catholic Church especially on Christmas’ eve just to listen the carols and feel the holy night atmosphere. Not once, I likely to shed a tear (yes I’m that drama queen.) Thus, I received this question a lot, “If you really love Christmas and Church, and plus your boyfriend is a Catholic, why don’t you convert to one?”

Because I don’t believe in god.

I appreciate people’s relationship with their gods. I appreciate my man’s relationship with god. I love to see him praying. I know he believes in god. He has this close relationship with his god that I could never interfere and will never understand, not because it doesn’t exist, but because I don’t believe in god. But doesn’t mean something doesn’t exist just because you don’t believe in it.

If you believed in something, it is what it is you believe. And if you didn’t believe? It will never be existed in your mind.

For a record, no one believe my LDR will work, but ta-daa, it does!

As Buddha ever said,

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.

I believe my relationship with this universe and Buddhist philosophy. I believe I am stronger each day because of yesterday. I believe in love and human’s relationship between each other. I cherish what I could feel, such as joy, contentment and comfort.

Everyone has their own joy, contentment and comfort. Some finds in their gods. And a lot of people believe a lot of gods. Why bother to insist someone to believe your god? It’s like insisting someone who can’t paint to take fine art major.

Christmas is an event. For the Christians, it’s the day when Jesus was born. For me, it’s a memory, of my fun childhood, of the warmth of my tiny school, of having an unforgettable Christmas’ Eve Mass with my man before he left to USA, of having hopes and wishes.

He is the only Catholic in his family, while the others are Buddhist. He used to spend Christmas alone, went to Church alone and didn’t get used to having presents on Christmas day. I have a Catholic Dad even though he wasn’t so festive about Christmas. So, five years ago, my man and I went to Church on Christmas’ Eve and since then, I whispered to Mother Mary in his god’s house, “I would like to do this every year with this guy, which ‘this guy’ refers to the guy beside me kneeling towards you, praying. And I hope he prays the same thing.”

The Christmas after was bittersweet. He was about to leave the next week, and that time, I hope his prayer was to come back to me. I was so afraid that it could be our last Christmas together.

Years after that were hard times for us, but having the thoughts of spending Christmas with him somehow got me through everything.

It’s so amazing how memory could make people stronger.

So, this Christmas, after 2 years absent from Christmas’ Eve Mass, I would listen those carols and hold that candle again. After the last two Christmases were spent playing “Merry Christmas Darling” on the ‘repeat one’ mode, buying Christmas card and went to post office and skype-ing and wishing to have the next Christmas with my man, the wish finally comes true this year. (<– I smile while typing this.)

I wish everyone to have a jolly Christmas this year and years after. I wish every wish came true. I wish Christmas Miracles happen to everyone. I wish for more candy canes, louder carols, Santa’s tighter red legging, wetter kisses, warmer hugs and creamier cakes. Coz that’s what Christmas is all about!!!

Can’t wait for Christmas day!

Be merry!

Love, May.

I was a signaler for the agility championship and I had the time of my life watching these smart creatures, until on a break time, I walked along the booths of the animal fair and found out about a smarter creature, much more smarter creature, Dolphins.

I was touched with this “Save the Saddest Dolphins” campaign, and straightaway signed the petition.

A week later, Ric O’Barry came to Singapore, and I had a chance to attend a dialogue session with him. I was inspired by so many people who have done a lot for this cause and of course, him. He was a funny and optimistic guy and human race must be very proud to have him.

On the dialogue, someone asked “if there were no dolphins in aquarium, how would our children see them? Dolphin watching is expensive. Not everyone can afford such cruise to see dolphins.”

Then Ric replied, “We have to start teaching children to control their desires. That’s the only thing that we can do to save the environment. I want to see snow leopards, doesn’t mean we have to drag them from Himalayas. My kid loves dinosaur, we don’t have dinos at the zoo. What you want is not always what you get.”

And he received one hell of a great clap.

No excuses are allowed to do any harm to the environment.

I was never keep my eyes off from this issue ever since.

Here’s why:

1. Dolphin is a very VERY intelligent being, could have been even more intelligent than human being. Dolphin has emotion, like us. They can feel sad, depressed, happy and free.
2. Dolphin’s primary sense is sound. They can send sonar signal to kilometers away, and when they’re being captured in a man-made pool (however big it is) they can’t stand the sonar being repulsed back to them and they also can’t stand the sound of cheering audience.
3. Dolphins have feelings. When they were captured in the ocean, separated from their families and friends they felt a traumatic fear. And then when they were forced to train for tricks just to get dead medicated fish, they turned to be depressed. Now they just swim round and round and round and round and go slowly mad.
4. Dolphins can commit suicide. It’s because they’re that intelligent. Some of captivated dolphins still have hopes to get back to the ocean and some of them who just couldn’t take it anymore, committed suicide.
5. Dolphins save human lives. But look what humans do to them. You are given a chance to save theirs back. Let’s do this!

What we can do:

• If you had time and energy, volunteering. You could volunteer to any NGO concerning about this issue, such as ACRES.
• If you had extra money, donating.
• If you had friends, tell them about the TRUE FACT. Spread the word. Silence is agony.
• If you have DVD player, watch The Cove.
• If you have twitter, tweet “#letthedolphinsgo” everyday until something happens. Never lose faith.
• If you had self respect, please DON’T EVER EVER buy tickets to Dolphin shows, or tickets to aquarium that has dolphins.

I’ve written this post just simply because I found out the truth and I want everyone to experience the same thing. There’s no other intention to promote or demote any organizations or corporations. There are reasons why you were born in this world, and maybe one of them is this.

Cheers,

May.

13 years ago, I never thought this would happen. However, I dared to dream.

From my previous post, (here!) it was very obvious how a man named Fabio Cannavaro really helped me go through my unstable teenage life. Almost every night before I slept, I daydreamed about how I would meet him again someday. Some dream was very simple, some was beyond reality, such as he’d take me to outer space or I became his manager and won scudetto together. It might sound silly, but that could be the only thing that got me through my rough teenage days.

I remember my friends used to say I’m delusional or I dream too much. And that dreams will only make you fly and crash you back to hurt you. Well, friends, I just met Cannavaro. This time, LITERALLY.

He retired last month, 13 years from the first time I saw him playing football. Since then, I knew soccer won’t be the same again without him. I kinda felt deeply sad as I realized I won’t ever see him because he stopped playing soccer. How would I ever meet him without going to Italy, buy an expensive ticket and watched him play?

Somehow, dreams do come true. Somehow Universe, once again, do me a favor. From 196 countries, he chose to go to Singapore to promote Soccer. And out of 196 countries, I chose Singapore to runaway to.

So, the two tiny dots on this big earth could finally cross each other. Thank you, universe.

There he is

I was only “Oh my God, Oh My God, Oh my God!” when everyone asked him for his signature. Then he still signed my training pass. He also signed the Italy Jersey that I wore (and now will never ever be washed ever!).

I was a neurotic fan. I was frozen in front of him. I was very happy, I could die! Even writing about it now still makes me shivering a little bit.

Fabio Cannavaro was super awesome! He was friendly, nice and really down to earth. He was just like an ordinary guy, with an extraordinary talent.

He didn’t speak English well. He only greeted us “How are you?” with an Italian accent and said “relax, take it easy…” when people was crazy asking his signature. He waited until nobody asked anymore signature then he left, “no more? Okay then. Thank you! Goodbye!”

I stood exactly in front of him. I just stood there, catching every ion, and taking as many as mental picture since we were not allowed to take picture with him.

I stood half meter in front of my lifetime hero. I must be the luckiest bitch ever existed in this world.

Well, never let anybody in this world to tell you that it’s just a dream. People who’s afraid to dream are cowards and pathetic. Let’s dream! Let’s wish! Let’s ask stupid things! Coz guess what, it might come true.

This is a moment to remember. This is one of those stories that I would tell my grandchildren over and over again. Thank you universe, to once again, reassured me dreams do come true.

I got Cannavaro sign my Jersey!

All we gotta do is believe.

The other one is one of the most wonderful friends I have, Monica Yuan Marchelia. I knew her in 2004 back in our college days and the last time I met her was 2 years ago in a bus back then in Jakarta. The first thing she asked was “how are you and Bandi?”. Knowing that our LDR was okay she answered with relieve, “You guys are very cute. I can’t wait to go to your wedding.”

Now I’m shivering knowing she won’t attend it.

She suffered from 3 kinds of deadly virus and her immunity system keeps decreasing. And I wasn’t even there to say goodbye to her. So, this is my goodbye post for her.

I gotta say, she had touched my life. Our closeness started when I needed support for organizing a charity organization back then in college years. I asked her whether she would like to accept committing to charity works for a year with me. She undoubtly said yes afterwards. We’ve worked together for a year. In a year, it was always me who whine all the time and it was always her to remind me to keep fighting and never give up. I have met the best working partner.
She is a good person. she never intends to hurt anyone. She laughs in a very funny way that when we heard her laugh, we’d automatically laugh along.

We used to work on our paperworks regarding the organization together in her place, spending almost all day. One hour to do the paperworks, six hours talking about love and wimpy heart stuffs and ended laughing about it. She’s a very fun person to be with. That’s probably everyone thinks first thing about her.

After we graduated, we both had Long Distance Relationships and likely to share by messenger. She always reminded me to never ever let go the man I had then. Hope she’s happy to know that I am still with that man and plan to do what she said.

She is a good person. No doubt.

Then there goes the question: why bad things happen to good people?
Sometimes the most unpredictable things happen and we’re just not ready for it. I don’t mean to blame universe, I know and sanely believe that everything does happen for reason. but when will be GET the reason? Coz now I can’t seem to find one good reason for this to happen.

If you’re expecting for a wise answer at the end of this post then I gotta say, that you’ll be disappointed.
I don’t know why. I’m still figuring out a lot of things in life, especially this one, about death.
When will we die? What happens after we die? And WHY we die?

In my religion, death is not the end of life. It’s just a cycle, coz we will be reincarnated and be born again… to be a different person.

Why do I need to be born as other person, with other personality? I love myself now. I love my personality, I love my skintone. Can I have these all again? Especially, I want to fall in love with the one I have with me now in the next life.
Why die and change into something different when what we have now is JUST perfect?

What will death teach us?

One sentence from the book “Tuesdays with Morrie” releases me from  worries:

Death ends life, not relationship.

Yes, people might die, we can’t do anything about it. The only thing we can do is keep having relationship with them. Talk to them on their graves, pray for them, and keeping their memories alive. Because however the feeling that we have to this particular person won’t change just because s/he’s not breathing anymore. Death only ends her life, not her relationship with her loved ones.

So until the time comes that I finally understand the reason why these all happened, I just gotta keep my relationship with all my lovely friends, dead or alive.

How you doin up there, Yuan? See ya when I see ya!

Love,

May

8:15 in the morning, Joo Koon MRT, on my way to work. There he was, waiting for me with his smirking smile. No words were spoken, just a shrieking high-pitched sound from my throat, and a warm long hug.

He came back to me. He did.

He actually literally did.

Flying 32,187 kilo meters to say, “I want you back.”

I still can’t believe he did that.

Should I ask now what I’d say to him? Wasn’t it a definite yes?

The best thing about the yes is that I say a yes to a short distance relationship. Yes, yes, yes, he’s back here in Singapore, FOR GOOD. Yes, yes, yes how obvious is that for a yes?

And yes, since we’ve lived in the same page of atlas now, the “when” question has been popped every time we meet old friends. Since the distance was the only thing that kept us apart, now there’s no reason to not getting married.

Ow, Oh, getting married.

This post would be a very long post.

About four years ago, at the church, we talked about getting married on 19th of March 2011. I didn’t remember how we picked that date, but I remember why. He thought that if on that day we’re still together, then this relationship must be a serious relationship and a commitment-phobia like me should have solved all the issues.

Now the date just passed. Well do I see any ring? No. No. No no no no no. NO! It was obviously a No.

Saying “Yes” and “No” is an easy thing. To be committed about it is what’s hard.

I don’t think it’s weird having a long term relationship and still not ready for marriage. However people shouldn’t get married because of “it’s been a long term relationship” but because “I am so ready for marriage (and all the shits).” Not only people should marry the right person, but also with the right reason.

I have the right person here with me.  Never even a second I’m doubting him as the best. Yes, I would never find a better man for me. Then why am I not marrying him?

Because I’m NOT ready. Because marrying him when I’m not ready will destroy everything we have been built. The trust, the feeling, the well communication, the romance, and everything that has gone well.

For me, marriage is a lifetime commitment. Lifetime love? Sure I can love him for the rest of my life. But Committing to be his wife, legally attached; sharing his bank account, his bed and children; cleaning his toilet, his family mess, and his potty when he’s old? Am I ready for that?

I don’t wanna saying “Yes” for only “Yes, I will love you for the rest of my life,” cause that would be easy.

I wanna say “Yes, I will love you for the rest of my life, and I will be committed to that,” and the most important, with 100% assured tone.

I will say that “Yes” word someday… When I’m ready. Not when I need to, or even worse, when I have to. I don’t care how old I’m gonna be on that day, I don’t care how many people had been asking, I don’t care about all the traditional or scientific facts about marriage, all I care is me and him and the commitment between.

Don’t get married when you’re not ready, girls. Wanna risk it? Well, it’s a lifetime risk. So, make sure you’re ready.

Love, May.

I can’t say much about it. I was thinking about what I would say in my blog when this relationship ended, but here I am, forgetting every little word I prepared.

This is NOT a broken hearted post.

There’s nothing wrong with being in love head over heels and then you’re falling torn apart. That’s what makes you human.

I just want to highlight two things:

One, it is not because of the distance. Because if it was, we would’ve broken up two years ago.

Two, he will always be the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Nothing will ever change that.

We stop hanging on not because we’re afraid, not because we’re tired, nor we stop falling in love. We stop because we simply want different things in life. People change, so do we. We don’t perceive things like we did four years ago, or even one week ago. We change our dreams, we want different things, and we grow apart.

This is not easy. For sure.

But it’s been a while, and I’m still breathing, the sky is blue, he is still as awesome as he was, (:p) and the sky is still blue. So, there’s nothing Armageddon about it.

Sometimes, the right thing and the hard thing are the same thing. -Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

If someday, one year later, or even ten years later, we meet again, and we still have that tiny little faith in our heart, then it would be a different story.

But now, here we are, saying goodbye, walking to two opposite paths. This is the end of our story, right now, in this present time. And I couldn’t ask for a better romance to tell to my grandchildren. I’m so glad I was doing all this romance with him. I’m so blessed that I could feel that amazing feeling with him.

So, you… This is your goodbye blog.

Be strong always. You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met in my life.

May

I am a hardcore believer, have faith in me.

I am a hardcore lover, fall in love with me.

I am yours, and always be.

–May, 19th of December 2010–

This story started when I rode a trans-Jakarta Bus about one year ago, and got fed up by it. I hated the city so much, people kept staring and saying harassing stuffs to you. I got mad every single effing day, I acted rude to everyone, I was a bitch and i didn’t like the person I became.

I knew complaining won’t ever change anything, so I got this idea. “I should move out from Jakarta!” But there are no other cities in Indonesia that could offer you more money and more opportunities than Jakarta. And I can’t be too idealist either about the money since I support my family now.

So here comes another idea, crazier one, “I should move out from this country!”

But where? how? whom I’m gonna stay with? and so on and so on.

I visited Singapore at the beginning of this year and instantly fell in love with it, thinking it’s a perfect place to run away. The economy is rising, not too far from home, safe environment, high salary, could go to the zoo anytime :p and suits my OCD since it’s very organized. Now all I had to do is surveying my friends who work there. I got positive and negative reviews and long story short, I saved up money to move to Singapore, since living there is not cheap at all! I applied for a working visa, which unbelieveably passed!!! I looked for a room to rent, but no one wanted to rent to somebody who doesn’t have a job yet. But luckily somehow I met this Malaysian girl online and she would like to share her room with me.

So after 6 months preparing, I finally took the flight, the one way ticket to Singapore, daring my luck to surprise me one more time.

And my best friend sent me this picture through email

When Colombus had found America, the first thing he had done was burning down his ship. It means he didn’t have any chance to go back, so he would do ANYTHING to succeed.

And he typed, “Find your happiness there!”

I cried at the gates on the airport, waiting for my planes, looking back at the times I’ve spent in Jakarta. I enoyed the last 2 weeks in Jakarta. I sleptover with my girlfriends a lot, watching Dashboard Confessional concert, had a great talks with my mom and made peace with the traffic jams.

Now I risked everything, my financial stability, the freelance career that I built, my saving accounts. I risked my Mom and Dad, coz I was the one who support them, now I took this effing risk which could probably cost them a financial stability too. I was very stressed out about either I should risk everything or not, so I got a vertigo for the first time. It was beyond ugly! I was throwing up again and again, got a supermassive headache and my mom told me to relax. “Don’t think too much. Everything will be ok and there is nothing more important to me than your succeed.”

I risked it all for something that’s not even real… yet. And everyone told me I’m crazy.

So, it was the moment I commited to pray, every single day. Proudly to say, up until now.

I arrived on Sunday, 10 am, 10th October 2010.  Went straight to the rented room, unpack only 10 pair of clothes, couple of instant noodles, and a universe-sized of bravery.

On Tuesday I went to my friend’s place to borrow her laptop so I could send out my resume online. She gave me the newspaper and I screened couple of jobs that I might likely to enjoy.

I sent to 3 companies, which are looking for an administrative officer. And got me to disappointment that my friend turned out to give me the wrong newspaper. It’s a newspaper from 2 weeks ago. An hour after that, I got an email asking for an interview tomorrow. It was shocking, yet exciting!

The next day after that, I got the job. Yep! I nailed the interview and the manager applied my s-pass straightaway. She said, “you are lucky, you know that?!”

I didn’t believe myself either. I am amazingly effing lucky! 4 days here and I got this job already, out of luck. Universe really works in a strange way! I called my mom straightaway and told her how much she’s right about my luck and how grateful I am that she always always believed in me and even though she didn’t, she always showed her calmy face as if she knew it all along.

I remember people saying I was crazy back then, remember people saying “you can’t do that”. Now I get it. Crazy and brave are separated in a very thin line.  I wasn’t crazy, I was just brave.

And just remember this,

When people told you, YOU CAN’T DO IT, it means you’re so gonna do it! you’re gonna nail it! Never worry! Universe works in a very strange way.

Now I owe myself a credit for being really brave, and definitely will tell everyone that they CAN do whatever they want to do. Live your life to the fullest, everyone! Never worry… Never worry! 

May.